Those UNWRITTEN RULES!

YES, there are laws  and YES, there are those UNWRITTEN RULES!  And that includes those social cues and guidelines we'd all be better off by following.  BUT to set expectations, we are NOT overly ambitious to cover the whole nine yards.  At most, we'll just scratch the surface and I'll endeavor to turn our thread today quite light enough.  To break the ice, if I show you a picture on my phone, please DON'T swipe sideways📗📙📘

With social media all over the place, there's a mile-long list of UNWRITTEN RULES.  Another NO-NO, if someone is giving you a ride, be ready at the door before they get there.  WHY?  You DON'T want your host to be mistaken as your driver!  Now, this sounds funny but it's NOT.  Many times I've seen people talking on their phone in public and on speaker phone, with the phone just next to one's mouth.  Hey, WHY DON'T you just turn off the speaker???

Oh yes, DON'T irritate OR provoke people WHO handle or serve your food.  NOT to imply ill intentions BUT you never know WHAT happens next if you end up displeasing OR worse, offending someone.  In fact, I heard this long time back.  Besides people WHO do prepare your food, NEVER displease OR offend medical workers.  Again, NOT because I am implying on their ill intentions BUT again, remember, when you need medical help and/or attention, you just CAN'T taking unnecessary risk at the expense of your health💥💥💥

Oh, this one is quite sensitive.  WHEN a smile is missing on someone's face, DON'T tell them to smile.  You never know WHAT's going on in his/her life.  It could be something personal OR worse, something he's challenged.  Oh, in these times where customer experience and customer service tops the charts, NO matter how disgruntled you are, NEVER yell at that person WHO picked up your call as in NEVER❌❌❌

Our takeaway:  Oh Oh, for those free lunches, WHEN someone else is paying the bill, please DON'T order something quite pricey.  Instead, my rule-of-thumb is to go for the median price items, and oh YESSSSS, DON'T get dessert unless others are ordering it as well.  You DON'T want to end up as the ODD MAN OUT.  Thing is, WHEN breached, these UNWRITTEN RULES can turn a pleasant day upside down the next moment✅✅✅

Fighting Your Ego?

Per se, there should have been NO issue with our EGO as long as we're playing our cards right, right?  However, it is that SELF-DEFEATING EGO that's killing us.  So many researches have been done to dissect this issue and almost all experts a.k.a. SMEs sing in unison the same tune, i.e. that people indeed differ in their willingness and ability to step outside of their own perspective and understanding [and even managing] our own EGO is often the first thing we should MUST-DO.  BUT how's Fighting Your Ego???

To state things bluntly, experts state how to KILL EGO to KILL EVIL.   And they branched into Axiological Psychology as a new way of thinking.  Looking beyond ego and evil, it offers two strategies for spotting evil WAY BEFORE it finds you.  And the first one is, KILLING EGO TO KILL EVIL while the second strategy involves DEFINING GOOD.  For alignment, let's be clear we're limiting our discussion to self-EGO and defensive-EGO and more than that😌😌😌

Psychologists have long speculated about the nature of EGO and EVIL but few have ever discussed the relationship between them and none from the perspective of science.  Even scientists have been inclined to reject both concepts as obsolete because their surplus meaning makes them confusing.  Now, lets go slightly deeper here.  Cultural influences plus the need to upgrade 3R and 4R [consisting of reading, writing, arithmetic] makes killing EGO that challenging BUT the goal is worth the effort simply because achieving it stands as one of humankind's greatest hopes for the future.  NOW let's be realistic here.  Personhood OR self itself is too complex to be judged, measured OR even be given a report card [in hypothetical terms]💧💧💧

You might challenge me, WHAT'S THE FUSS here?  As one self or personhood is too complex to be judged, even doing so merely distorts the reality one's existence in ways that can enable acts of evil.  In our real day-to-day-life, HOW often did we witness EGOs becoming 'key players' [and impactful at that] in our relationships with our family, work mates and business associates?  HOW many relationships have soured all in the name of a damn EGO?  And HOW many frustrations looped in a vicious cycle because two immovable forces are in an impasse?  And HOW much wreak in life have we seen, no thanks to the bloated EGOs that have gone overboard???

Our takeaway:  Having said a mouthful, generally, people DON'T have the ill-intentions to wreak havoc on relationships all because of EGO.  BUT one fact we CAN'T run away is that if there is a guilty party once we've got that RUNAWAY EGO, it is our own self because we allow it to go berserk and run away?  Once our EGOs are unleased, it's doomsday, it's armageddon no less.  BUT nothing is lost though, ONLY if we can regain control and take reins of our runaway EGO.  UNLESS and UNTIL you have a tight rein of the bull by its horns, you'll be DEAD IN THE WATER, later if NOT sooner.  So, how's your FIGHTING YOUR EGO???

Instagram Versus Reality

Instagram Versus Reality

WHO has NOT heard of that [now almost aborted] mega-ambitious US$ 1.5 Trillion NEOM LINE CITY PROJECT of Saudi Arabia's most powerful figure, that's MBS [Prince Mohammed Bin Salman]?  So ambitious to an extent that one too many instagram pictures of the futuristic NEOM LINE CITY have overflowed all over the web the past 5 to 6 years.  BTW, recently, even it's CEO Nadhmi-al-Nasr resigned after 6 years on the hot seat. Another Instagram Versus Reality think???

YES, it's true, Instagram has lorded it over the web.  Anyone WHO wants to see the best shots, go IG.  And if I wanted to look that damn good, IG is my best platform.  BUT can we agree here that there is whole new baloney evolving out of IG and that's the fact that there is a huge difference, that gaping hole between Instagram Versus Reality and UNLESS we wake up from our deep slumber now and realize [and accept that huge gap], we could be living in a fantasy world💥💥💥

So, do you even like nature OR you just saw something beautiful behind WHILE waiting for your cab, took a selfie, and captioned yourself as a photographer-artist?  OR you wore some fit outfit, with an ambiguous background without even stepping out of your house, and you call it FITNESS GOALS!@#$%?  It's true we CAN'T deny the fact that many of us [and that includes moi] have done this as well.  And we are the least bothered in doing so because in the end, all that matters is HOW we appear to our IG audience.  We even DON'T mind repeating it perhaps with another theme like posing like celebrities and doing a makeover and posting a selfie with some random caption!@#$%?

Do we all do this just to build and live up to an 'IMAGE'???  True, as audiences, we are all vulnerable as we get carried away by IG posts, so overwhelmed and sing allellujah like 'OH WHAT A PERFECT PICTURE'.  Yes we're sometimes guilty of NOT even thinking a second before double-tapping it.  We might even blurt like, 'SHE'S SO PERFECT, LIKE HER LIFE'!@#?

Our takeaway:  This brings into question the reality behind the posts on IG.  YES, I get you, that's Gen Z.  We have let IG so much in our lives that we feel no perturbation in letting it distort our authenticity, because IG worthiness is all that matters!@$%?  WHEN a friend told me about the reality of some IG models, I was damn shocked to know the extent to WHICH they go through to look the way they do on IG.  And it's NOT just the IG models.  Many times, it is the general public WHO alter their reality so much, putting in a 'PERFECT IMAGE' of themselves to thrive in the mendacious IG world.  Dude, I am NOT here to bad-mouth IG but my $64 question is, will you go for INSTAGRAM or REALITY???

How's Your 'FIRST IMPRESSIONS'?

How's Your 'FIRST IMPRESSIONS'?

YES YES yo, this is something I did embrace for the longest time.  NOTHING beats this mantra, trust me.  So How's Your 'FIRST IMPRESSIONS'? HOW did you handle things when you had to defend your thesis dissertation in college?  HOW did you handle those nerve-wracking job interviews?  HOW did you handle it WHEN for the first time in your life, you had to speak in a public engagement with a mammoth audience?  HOW did you handle things WHEN you finally had the gumption to approach the 'girl of your dreams'???

Oh YES, I'm confident I DON'T need to sway and convince you that FIRST IMPRESSIONS are really long-lasting.  Any information about a person, from his/her physical attributes down to one's non-verbal and verbal behavior, and even the environment one inhabits, they all influence IMPRESSIONS and judgments.  And psychologists have repeatedly reaffirmed that FIRST IMPRESSIONS are that long-lasting as it can last for months and affect personal judgments even in the midst of contradictory evidence about the person💥💥💥

Without getting stuck with the technical insights from the psychologists, let's delve more on the surface as the most studied form of IMPRESSION in social cognition are our traits.  People tend to form split-second IMPRESSIONS with regard the others; presumably stable characteristics, such as trustworthiness and even competence.  They do this from others' facial appearances and simple behaviors, as an example, having observed a person taking an elevator up one floor, people may infer laziness❎❎❎

I myself, I always claimed [and I believe I have an above 90% hit rate] that WHEN I come across strangers for the very first time, if that person seems to be on the extremes, e.g. either too meek and nice versus someone WHO seems either ill-intentioned OR evil-like, I can discern that within the first one second.  YES, FIRST IMPRESSIONS are resistant to change.  BUT people will validate things just like that guy taking the elevator one floor up.  If it was a one-off and the remaining days, he takes the stairs, people will safely conclude that elevator thing was a one-off😌😌😌

Our takeaway:  WHEN forming FIRST IMPRESSIONS, we [and that includes moi] typically have to rely on limited and potentially misleading information about others.  BUT looking back my past job interviews WHEN I was still active in the job market, I can safely conclude that I'll credit FIRST IMPRESSIONS for having successfully hurdled those job interviews.  YES, drawing 'big' conclusions from such limited information can lead to poor decisions with broader implications.  Understanding the origins and consequences of FIRST IMPRESSIONS is the first step to addressing biases in those IMPRESSIONS.  Yes dude, HOW'S YOUR FIRST IMPRESSIONS???

Your Past, Present & Future

Your Past, Present & Future

I was and never a student of Chinese culture and philosophies BUT I admit this poster from Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu says it all as to how we deal with the Past, Present & Future.  YES, I do wonder HOW time affects our relationships to our very own selves, in growing forward, in looking backward, even in predictions and trajectories, in haunting doubts, and in the present mind spaces.  As each of us do hold so many complexities, possibilities and memories within us, this may be a really interesting [and relevant] perspective to wrap into our own, embedding it within us.  YES it's damn true, the PAST tends to hold us back, haunting us, and kind of hostaging us, till we realize we remain shackled till today???

So, HOW can we absolve our faults OR paths that led us to places we now wish to have avoided?  HOW can we now model to our PAST self that love, that mentorship and softness that we need?  Studies show that practicing tenderness to a PAST self can take many forms WHETHER it's writing letters to your past self, OR creating prayers OR wishes directed to your past self OR starting a diary addressing the past.  BUT the thing, let's forget if we're contemplating to reverse the time capsule🙏🙏🙏

WHEREAS in the present, we may be often critical and so demanding of our energy and our lives.  Think about HOW we talk and about ourself, BOTH our loud and even in your head.  Consider HOW we might change the way we address our own self in order to offer sweetness, encouragement OR even empowerment.  Let's think about our capacity to offer these things in other contexts, i.e. perhaps we offer to our peers, friends, family.  Let's compare the way we talk to and about them with the way we talk to OR about our own self.  HOW can we show that tenderness to our present self in a way that makes a room for forgiveness, flexibility and empowerment💥💥💥

MAYBE its all about starting a collection of loving reminders to our own self, OR maybe it's just softly challenging that critical voice in our head from time to time.  WHICH leads me to find some springboards for thought on HOW we can incorporate self love in the present.  Probably like writing a list of affirmations that resonate with us?  OR giving our own self time to rest, HOWEVER we need to do it.  WHETHER it is a short break during the day, an evening to yourself with NO expectations, OR a whole day off for relaxing and have that 'me-time' make time to center yourself in your own universe❗❗❗

Our takeaway:  If there is a variable that can easily throw a monkey wrench in our life, it's that FUTURE ahead, down the road.  In those FUTUREs, it is often tempting to put our ambitions, expectations and even worries in the folds along milestones like age OR anniversaries.  Think about HOW you set goals and deadlines for yourself and consider HOW those expectations you have for your FUTURE can lead you to those unnecessary anxieties.  WHY can't we step back and be IN THE MOMENT, dude???

How's Our PEOPLE-PLEASING?

 

HOW's our PEOPLE-PLEASING?  IF you're a PEOPLE-PLEASER, you might be known for doing WHATEVER it takes to make others happy, right?  And although being kind and helpful is generally a good thing, going too far to please others can leave you emotionally depleted, stressed OR even anxious.  Before the kitchen sink is thrown upon me, let us agree in defining WHAT a PEOPLE-PLEASER is, that is, a person WHO puts others needs ahead of his own.  This type of person is attuned to others and often seen as agreeable, helpful and kind💥💥💥

The downside of these all is that studies have proven that PEOPLE-PLEASERS would often have trouble and difficulty in advocating for themselves, WHICH may then lead to that kind of harmful pattern of self-sacrifice OR worse, self-neglect.  In Psychology, they have associated PEOPLE-PLEASERS with a personality trait called SOCIOTROPY, that manifestation of feeling overly concerned with PLEASING others and earning/securing their approval [call it CONSENT] as a way to maintain or even level-up their relationship, no matter if it's even a platonic one. NOT to scare you BUT pscyhologists claim that this behavior can be a symptom of a mental health condition❌❌❌

Some of the tell-tale signs that we're a PEOPLE-PLEASER?

• WHEN you just CAN'T SAY "NO" to people
• WHEN you keep thinking WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK
• WHEN you feel guilty WHEN YOU SAY 'NO' TO PEOPLE
• WHEN you agree to things you REALLY DON'T AGREE WITH
• WHEN you want people to LIKE YOU and get their approval too
• WHEN you're constantly apologetic telling people I'M SORRY
• WHEN you're ready to take all the blame even if you're faultless
• WHEN you neglect your own needs due to PLEASING PEOPLE
• WHEN you always run out of time because you prioritize others
• WHEN you take the blame even if you're faultless or blameless

BUT more than just shortlisting these most common manifestations, WHAT are the COMMON CAUSES or triggers of being a PEOPLE-PLEASER?

• INSECURITY - Because we're worried people will NOT like us if we DON'T please them?
• PERFECTIONISM - Sometimes, perfectionism goes overboard, way and beyond, whew!@#$%?
• POOR SELF-ESTEEM - Sometimes we end up pleasing people as we DON'T value our own
  
  Our takeaway:  Having heard all kinds of perspectives, my take here is that motivation to help others can at times be a manifestation of altruism, WHERE one may genuinely want to make sure that other people have the help they need.  BUT in other cases, PEOPLE-PLEASING may turn its ugly head for one to feel validated OR liked.  Ironically, by making sure that people are either happy, satisfied OR PLEASED, they will feel AS IF they are that useful and valued, NO THANKS TO BEING A PEOPLE-PLEASER!!!

What's Next After The Billowing Smoke?

What's Next After The Billowing Smoke?

No sirrrrs, I am NOT raising a false emergency alarm here.  Instead, I'm referring more to our life.  What's Next After The Billowing Smoke?  Sometimes [or maybe quite many times], we do get embroiled into the perils of life WHERE one day, smoke starts to billow, those moments WHEN one problem we're facing starts to build up, Like WHEN one is in dire financial straights, UNLESS you have a realistic recovery plan, all hell will break loose📗📙📘

It is indeed a universal truth that talking through our problems can make them GO AWAY.  Oh Oh Oh, NOT exactly.  On the other hand, psychologists researched that if we're into a trauma and will start talking through it DOESN'T necessarily diminish the ill effects BUT it can make things worse!!!  As they dug deeper into their studies, they concluded that there is that fine line between processing the experience to make it that manageable and reliving and even 're-traumatizing' oneself.  Like WHEN someone is recalling something horrific, where you can, DON'T let them go back to that nightmare❎❎❎

The detestable thing is WHEN you do see smoke billowing BUT you either miss it out OR you refuse to accept that indeed there's billowing smoke you're staring.  And WHAT are the ramifications if one either unintentionally misses OR simply refuses to face reality?  Depending as to how fast that smoke is billowing, which means, how fast will your situation deteriorate FROM BAD TO WORSE, that should answer WHETHER you can be facing a NOT so palatable situation too hot to handle sooner than later.  WHAT IF a couple are having spats few times a week that accelerates to a daily exchange of words till profane language would fly on top emotions till, one day, things turn physical???

YES life is tough, let's acknowledge that.  BUT dude, you can still live a good life.  True, NO one promises solutions for life's problems BUT instead, work out an approach towards grappling those problems [before things will pile up, before you end up underneath the bus].  Recognizing our problems and reflecting upon them and probably even extending a helping hand to others will even boost your own morale towards fixing your life✅✅✅

Our takeaway:  My analogy for that billowing smoke in our daily lives is that daily traffic gridlock in almost all metro areas.  And WHAT causes these traffic gridlocks to become as constant as day and night?  Simple answer.  The government authorities tasks to manage traffic have been sleeping on their jobs OR they simply ignore WHEN that monstrous problem started off with a manageable smoke.  Dude, if only they asked themselves, WHAT'S NEXT AFTER THE BILLOWING SMOKE😌😌😌

That 'PASSWORD CHANGE' Conundrum

 

NO sirrrrrrs, NOT to worry, this is NOT a techie thread today.  Instead, I'd like to break down and break out that fallacy about changing PASSWORDs.  THAT changing it often keeps you safe?  THAT changing it multiple times per year becomes the very conrnerstone of your own security [NOT to your fault, because likely, this was engrained to you [NO thanks to some of our organizations peddling tight security policies

BUT alas, here's a very sensible advice:  GOOD PASSWORDS DON'T [usually] NEED TO BE CHANGED [as often as like changing our clothes].  Changing PASSWORDs really only makes sense WHEN your PASSWORDs are compromised. After all, if NO one knows your PASSWORD, WHY CHANGE IT [again, UNLESS/EXCEPT it's a company compliance thing.  YET YET YET, ISN'T it puzzling as to WHY PASSWORDs still get cracked?  As such, it might seem logical to frequently switch yours up.  You never know WHICH of your password could be guessed, right???

NOW, before we get lost, WHY DON'T we step back.  There's just NO reason any of our PASSWORDs should be 'guessable', right?  BUT if a hacker is able to breach your PASSWORD, likely you got a BAD PASSWORD, surely.  NOW, let's take a step back farther and say none of your PASSWORDs should be 'crackable' even by a computer either, NOT on a timeline WHERE it matters💦💦💦

Thing is, a good PASSWORD, meaning one that is both strong and unique, is inherently 'uncrackable' and it should be long, varied and NOT IN USE on any other account.  It SHOULDN'T matter if the companies that control one of your accounts is breached because, by then, your PASSWORD is different than that one.  Please consider using this tool to test the 'UNCRACKABILITY' of your PASSWORD:  https://bitwarden.com/password-strength/

Our takeaway:  Barring compliance requirements by organizations, it behooves that you subject the 'UNCRACKABILITY' [at least for the duration you want to] of your password via that tool's link.  IF you opt for a PASSWORD enough to endure all hackers in a year's time, go for that PASSWORD.  There's NO need to change that PASSWORD before a year lapses and there's NO need to change that PASSWORD period UNLESS you're presented with an actual threat.  Just sharing basic security best practices here for our consideration😁😁😁

Do You Know WHO Is Holding You Back?

Do You Know WHO Is Holding You Back?

Through the years, I have known people on a first-hand basis WHO had grandiose plans, ambitious goals, concrete objectives and roadmaps in life that made me no less than envious BUT appreciative.  BUT before you jump and sing all the hosannahs and hallelujahs, let me dampen your expectations because roughly, for every ten people I came to know, maybe one to two of them had their respective plans and goals come intro fruition.  So, you would ask me now, WHAT HAPPENED to the 80%? The answer is NOT that difficult to fathom.  Something else was HOLDING THEM BACK.  And of the 80% WHO were HELD BACK, 100% of them all were HELD BACK by their very own.  That answers the question: Do You Know WHO Is Holding You Back???

Culling from my past interactions with them, easily 30% of them were dependent [AS IN] on someone as the leader, the initiator and he/was contented to be the follower, simply replicating the steps made by the leader.  Sometimes, their dependency is NOT on a person BUT on a future factor that is very 'iffy', e.g. someone will pursue options to migrate to another country if that country's immigration laws become less stringent💧💧💧

Another day-to-day scenario I do bear witness is that CLOUD of FEAR that is enveloping him/herself.  BUT getting into that FEAR FACTOR could be a complex topic to dissect because there is a mile-long list of FEARS we commonly face in life.  And setting aside the most mundane FEARS, the FEAR that is legitimate to be tackled is that FEAR of FAILURE.  Until and unless you overcome that FEAR of FAILURE, you will NEVER inch forward even if you continue to dream about your plans💚💛💜

Another common culprit is NOT related to FEAR but that person seems to be toeing [hook, line and sinker] someone's definition of SUCCESS.  That means you will end up comparing your performance to someone else's timelines and even goals, WHICH in the end will likely end in an incorrect assessment.  BUT to be fair to each of us, FEAR of something bad happening in the future is one of the things that make us human.  Animals might fear an immediate danger, that is happening right now BUT only we FEAR something that might happen, that ISN'T happening now, that ISN'T even showing its ugly face at the moment.  This FEAR, some might say, is necessary as it stops us from doing something stupid.  BUT I've found most of these FEARS to be unnecessary, to be baseless, to be holding us back from achieving something.  Failure.  Abandonment.  Rejection.  Intimacy.  Success.  Being broke.  NOT being good enough.  FEARS can go on and on😔😔😔

Our takeaway:  Of all the multifarious common triggers of FEAR, NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH is actually at the root of all the others.  We FEAR we'll fail because we're NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  We FEAR we'll lose our relationships, that we'll be abandoned, that we'll be rejected.  Even that FEAR of SUCCESS is based on the worry that we're NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  Dude, do you know WHO [or WHAT] is HOLDING YOU BACK???

Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing?  For alignment, let's do a lookup at Mr Google's definition which says BREADCRUMBING is that 'manipulative tactic where someone feigns interest in another person without any intention of committing to a relationship.  It's also commonly described as "HANSEL & GRETELLING" because it's very similar to the children's story WHERE BREADCRUMBS are left to mark a path.  Oh YES, before we get mixed up, psychologists claim that BREADCRUMBING can be intentional OR unintentional.  And it can happen in many types of relationships [and NOT limited to romantic ones].  Decades back, BREADCRUMBING WON'T deserve to be a talking point but today, it has turned it's ugly head, NO thanks to social media📘📙📗

If you're still one of those doubting Thomas's, questioning WHY we'll have BREADCRUMBING as our thread today, let me rattle off a sampling of a spate of social media stuff:

• Sending occasional messages on social media
• Flirtation without asking someone out
• Leaving comments on social media without responding to messages
• Sending memes OR gif's instead of engaging in meaningful or at least a casual conversation
• Inviting someone for coffee BUT not showing up

These BREADCRUMBING exceptions may seem to be petty BUT can we ignore some of its ramifications, like:

• WILLFULLY manipulating someone in utter bad faith
• NEEDLESSLY triggering a roller coaster of emotions
• UNNECESSARILY sowing confusion and uncertainty
• FEEDING anxiety OR dependency on a hapless person
• SOWING loneliness OR hopelessness that's worsening
• GUILTLESSLY creating turmoil amidst a prevailing peace
• UTTERLY causing pain, albeit minor, WHEN in truth, the receiving party does NOT deserve such bad faith at all
  

In a nutshell, BREADCRUMBING has got NOTHING to do with literal bread crumbs BUT everything to do with how people behave WHEN they are in a relationship OR dating someone [with an intent NOT for the long haul].  WHEN you've just started talking to someone and there's a potentially budding romance OR even a potential commercial partnership, things are NOT always black and white WHEN things are utterly fluid.  And by the waters become clearer, likely a lot might NOT yet be verbally communicated by then💥💥💥

Our takeaway:  Much as falling in love with someone and then realizing that they DON'T feel the same way for you is absolutely heartbreaking BUT in an ideal scenario, both parties should move at the same pace and reciprocate.  Having said this, let's admit that the world does NOT always go according to the most ideal scenario.  That's WHY it is imperative to know and understand WHAT BREADCRUMBING is [before it's too late]😌😌😌