Can We FIX Ourselves First?

 

Let's LOOK and [maybe] LURK around.  There are one too many things to FIX.  Let's NOT go farther.  Simply ask your local politician.  They have a laundry list of things to FIX in your local district.  NOT to besmirch politicians because there remains a big chunk of well-meaning ones, BUT I have to vent out my 2-cents that in quite a number of Third World countries, there is a huge overflow of local politicians WHO see in themselves as the #1 "MR FIX's" option in their locality.  BUT no dude, we won't get into these politicians but instead, let us focus on our private lives, WHERE we are, as a "MR FIX"💚💛💜

If there is a huge problem at hand, sometimes [and probably many times for others], it is just too tempting to dip our hands into the cookie jars of someone else to FIX that other person's issues or even him/herself.  BUT the much bigger problem here is that it implies that someone is indeed broken and needs to be FIXED??? BUT alas, the bigger question is this:  WHY do we succumb [sometimes faster than the speed of sound] to attempt FIXING others before we should have realized that, of all things, we've got to prioritize FIXING ourselves first?  YES, I totally agree that that urge to FIX someone else and changing someone for the better might sound like the heroic thing to do!@#$%?

NOT to douse cold water even with those best intentions, in multiple researches, results showed that this kind of approach does MORE HARM THAN GOOD.  NOW, please DON'T get us wrong here because in truth, WHILE many fall into this pattern for a variety of deeply human reasons, sometimes deeply rooted in empathy, love and even past experiences.  And it's a fact that some folks may have been raised in environments WHERE they were oriented and probably 'conditioned' to be 'rescuers' of sorts.  LIKE someone WHO grew up being a caregiver [NOT by choice] to a sick family members.  Surely along the way, he will  develop that 'rescuer' mindset😂😂😂

NOW, can we turn things around?  Instead of banking and nursing on the hope that a person will eventually become 'better' with your helping hand, ISN'T it much more worthwhile to shift the focus back to our very own self?  WHAT could be more saddening if someone tends to focus on someone's woes more to deflect from his/her own struggles, ouch!@#$%?  OR maybe we're kind of chasing that 'sweet' validation that comes with miraculously unlocking a struggling person's potentials?  True, we all run in situations WHERE someone close to us is struggling.  Maybe they're nursing a broken heart over a recent breakup?  OR they've lost their job?  OR maybe they're dealing with anxiety OR depression.  The reality is that life can get messy and that can happen to us anytime, no exceptions!!!

Our takeaway:  Nothing wrong for us to get into a "FIX IT" mode, showing up youre supportive and much as likely, you could mean well, be super-duper conscious that you DON'T take it way too far, in the end sacrificing oneself and your own level of happiness, all because you are so embroiled in your sincere attempt to fix someone else's situation.  As the old cliche goes, before you look across the whole forest, ensure you have a good appreciation of the tree right in your face, and that could be your own woes, your own struggles dude.  So, CAN WE FIX OURSELVES FIRST dude???

Those PILLARS in Life

 

Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was famous for many things besides having founded the school of analytical psychology.  BUT amongst all things, I'd like to leverage on the PILLARS IN LIFE Carl Jung has advocated from the very start:

Our HEALTH - One thing WHERE Carl Jung did set expectations is that good HEALTH is intended NOT to raise happiness BUT rather to lower unhappiness.  Of course, it's a bonus if one becomes happier.  Bottomline is,  it is way beyond debate that the state of our HEALTH tops things all.  You can be blessed with everything in life BUT if your HEALTH is in dire straits, you have a more serious concern to tackle, probably diluting any other happiness in life😡😡😡

Our RELATIONSHIPs - The intertwined notions that close relationships are at the heart of our well-being and experts opine that cultivating them will [likely] reliably increase our HAPPINESS.  Oh, the experts infused the value of successful marriages because it has taken a serious beating the past decades, their research evidences are piling up that being wed makes the majority of people much HAPPIER than they otherwise would be💥💥💥

Our REASONABLE standard of living - Parallel to the paramount importance of our health, income and employment seem tied more towards eliminating unhappiness than raising happiness.  In fact, experts opine that unemployment is the most common source of misery.  WHAT happens next, depressive symptoms typically rise WHEN one gets unemployed.  True, this just CAN'T be explained simply by the lack of material and social resources that typically accompanies joblessness.  BUT can we take a step farther if we can endeavor to upgrade 'satisfactory work' to 'meaningful work', hoping that positive gains in happiness can come into play💚💛💜

Our OUTLOOK - Carl Jung strongly espoused that a good life requires a way of understanding WHY things happen the way they do, being able to zoom our from the tedious travails of our daily life and then putting events in life into perspective.  Thing is, we are counselled NOT to fall prey to seeking just pure happiness BUT instead seek lifelong progress toward that state of 'happierness'.  NOT to be verbose, we often hear this lesson:  THE END DOES NOT JUSTIFY THE MEANS❎❎❎

Our takeaway:  To simplify an often complicated life, the very basic PILLARS in LIFE can all be counted within the fingers of just one of our hands.  And akin to those concrete foundations of built structures, we need to put in place these PILLARS in LIFE in a fashion that they will become the key factors for us to reinforce our resilience in life, WHEN storms hit us, WHEN floods tend to drown us.  Verily true, let us invest time and efforts to put up our PILLARS in LIFE😀😀😀

Not All Rules Are Spoken

 

For the longest time, I observed that across cultures and countries, we tend to be so rules-based, so rules-centric.  BUT please DON'T get me wrong.  RULES are one of the key essentials that really makes Singapore stand out [until now] as one of the most admired places to live.  From chewing gum to gasoline/fuels gauge to smoking, Singapore has implemented its RULES perfectly BUT NOT ALL RULES ARE SPOKEN, dude☝☝☝

I've been into different circumstances across unique settings BUT often, the retort I would hear is:  ARE THERE RULES YET?  C'mon dude, do we have to wait for RULES to be laid out and announced at that?  In a much frustrating setting, even after RULES are laid out and announced, some would be skimming through the RULES announcement and look for that provision detailing penalties for breaching RULES❌❌❌

If I'll admit that I'm aghast with those 'noises', it's because in real life, besides those RULES that are laid out, there is a fair share of RULES that will remain unannounced, unlaid out.  And those unwritten RULES does NOT and will NOT absolve and shield us from breaching such RULES.  Penalties to breach unwritten RULES?  WHY do we need penalties💥💥💥

BTW, nothing earth-shaking with these unwritten OR unannounced RULES:

LIKE if you're at someone's house and the host will say they are tired, it's time to leave

LIKE never cut someone off until they're done talking

LIKE never stay in a call if you're in the company of others [unless it's an outlier like an emergency?]

Our takeaway:  WRITTEN or UNWRITTEN RULES, RULES are RULES and it no RULE gets devalued to the extent that it is least important to observe and comply with.  To put things bluntly, it's long overdue for us to recast things, to put things in the right perspective.  Let's break the jinx of RULES, WRITTEN or UNWRITTEN, getting either wantonly ignored or breached, sometimes with nary the slightest regret.  NOT ALL RULES ARE SPOKEN, dude😡😡😡

Living Life On Our 'OWN TERMS'

 

Best things in life?  Of course, we can all sing in chorus and rattle off monies, properties, plum job, holidays, name it, we'll be on the same page😁 BUT seriously, those are NOT for everyone's taking.  So, WHAT else is left for our taking?  GOOD NEWS, the best thing we can have in life is to LIVE LIFE ON OUR OWN TERMS, with NO one and NOTHING else along the way and with NO preconditions to block you off📗📙📘

Through the years, I've witnessed first hand people WHO were living their life NOT ON THEIR OWN TERMS, ouch!@#$%?  There was this very religious family, whose eldest child became a Catholic priest.  Theafter, the parents wanted his next brother and even the next-next brother to follow the same footsteps,  ouch!@#$%?  YES, we can guess HOW this narrative goes.  That next siblings were adamant and refused to follow the 'marching orders' by the parents and they left their home to LIVE LIFE ON THEIR OWN TERMS💚💛💜

YES, I can go on and on to share multiple first-hand accounts of people WHO DIDN'T LIVE LIFE ON THEIR OWN TERMS and without sugar-coating it, it is regrettable that some people end up taking that path NOT on their OWN TERMS.  BUT not to heap the blame on people WHO would end up side-tracked OR worse, even off-tracked, LIVING LIFE ON YOUR OWN can become a challenge to the person himself because there's one thing missing in him/her and that's the answer to the question 'WHAT DO YOU WANT'?  That's very key.  Even assuming there is/are no people around you trying to control or exert undue influence over you, it is very key that every person has an honest answer to that question.  Otherwise, up front, it can be safe to speculate that a person WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE WANTS is doomed to fail even from OR somewhere near the start.  In short, translate your 'OWN TERMS' in concrete terms you can execute it✅✅✅

NOT to be defensive though, there are phases in our life WHEN we're struggling to know our OWN TERMS

LIKE in our 20s, we're figuring out to be adults, following the scripts on jobs, relationships, etc

LIKE in our 30s, we're building family, career, home

LIKE in our 40s, we wake up one day and realize we've been living someone's version of a good life

Our takeaway:  Thing is, to LIVING LIFE ON OUR OWN TERMS, define it with NO IFs and BUTs.  I've been hearing this slip-ups many times:

I WANT to live in the metro BUT traffic is bad there

I WANT a plum job BUT I want to be my own boss

In a nutshell, there are times there a conflict deep within ourselves so weve got to rectify it for us to be LIVING LIFE ON OUR OWN TERMS!!!

Are We Missing The ALLURE Of 'SMALL WINs'?

 

Are We Missing The 'ALLURE Of 'SMALL WINs'?  WHILE this is NOT an earth-shaking thread to talk about, as much as this could be that minor OR petty, WHAT IF this kind of minor OR petty stuff keeps recurring over and over again in our life?  WHEN we are lured to BIG BUCKS.  WHEN we are hostaged to BIG DREAMS.  WHEN we are so focused on anything that's huge and BIG indeed.  WHEREAS those bread crumbs, forget it!@#$%?

Through the years, I did bear witness to people with BIG dreams, with HUGE plans, with BRIGHT goals.  And to be factual, I did see and witness some of them succeed [and obviously, NO one can be stingy in admiring all the efforts they exerted to get to achieve.  BUT alas, I pity those WHO failed to even reach the mark, even at a break-even point.  And for a couple of times, WHEN we did a post-mortem, those SMALL WINs were NOT even a 'talking point'!@#$%?

So, there looms the 'BIG WHY' question? WHAT could have caused their shortfall to successfulluy reach the FINISH LINE on a positive note?  In many narratives, they shared this commonality.  They all DREAMT BIG.  On the surface, I CAN'T blame them with the allure of things that are BIG and HUGE.  BUT let's go back to basics here.  We need SMALL WINs as an incremental success💚💛💜

It's beyond debate that everyone of us, 100% for that matter, celebrate life's BIG WINs.  Graduations.  Marriage.  The first job.  That first pay cheque.  The first brand-new home.  The first car.  BUT again, accomplishing BIG WINs requires many AS IN many small steps along the way.  NO one graduates right after enrolling in the first academic term.  NO one gets his first job by just being laid back, sitting around.  And YES, having your first home or first car is NO mean feat❎❎❎

Our takeaway:  This all boils down to motivation.  Can we agree that we get motivated after a success BUT IF you're angling for that huge BIG WIN as your very focus, WHEN will your motivation get that huge shot-in-the-arm?  That could be donkey years from now, right?  WHEREAS IF you aim for a SMALL WIN now and achieve it within the short-term, your motivation will happen much sooner!  So, ARE WE MISSING THE ALLURE OF 'SMALL WINs' dude???

If 'Plan A' Doesn't Work, There Are 25 More Letters To Go!!!

 

QUOTE If 'Plan A' Doesn't Work, There Are 25 More Letters To Go UNQUOTE [straight from the poster I pasted herein].  WHILE I am neither an Irish NOR a European, I have tidbits of information regarding that historical lesson tagged as the "IRISH MISTAKE", and that was way back 1845 WHEN Ireland bet its future on a single plant, that 'Irish Potato' a.k.a. Solanum tuberosum.  Such that, it grew quickly, resisted the cold and filled the stomachs of millions of Irish.  And for poor families then, it was the difference between eating and going hungry.  And history says that at that time, it looked like the Irish PERFECT PLAN!@#$%?

Sadly, skimming through a bit of Irish history, in a few weeks, a fungus called Phytophthora infestans literally blackened the Iris fields, the plants rotted, the crops vanished.  In a blip, WHAT had seemed like the safest solution in the world became a deadly trap and apparently, more than a million died and another million had to emigrate elsewhere.  BUT the saddest part of this footnote in the Irish history books is that this painful part of the so called Irish tragedy was NOT caused by the fungus BUT simply because there was a lack of variation.  NO PLAN B!!!

Swinging over to our daily lives, WHEN and IF we depend too much on a single thing, be it a crop, idea, plan OR even a person, we will be vulnerable and fragile similar to that Irish fungus WHICH wiped everything out in the Irish fields.  BUT again, this harsh lesson ISN'T just about agriculture.  It reflects in our daily lives as well.  Because all of us, in some part of our own lives, we tend to bet [sometimes] everything on one thing without realizing it.  And like that heartbreaking monoculture historical lesson in Ireland, it will fail and it will fail.  Sadly, that monoculture practice seems to permeate across countries and cultures.  And that dire reality is happening across all social classes as well😡😡😡

So, WHAT's that so called 'monoculture' we got to rethink?

WHEN we come up with a single PLAN to achieve a goal!

WHEN we craft a single approach/strategy to execute it!

WHEN we attempt resolving a problem with one approach!

WHEN we depend on a single person/entity on everything!

Our takeaway:  Doing a LOOKUP from my past years, at times we CAN'T be faulted if we get misguided by [wrongly] hoping and believing on one variable OR factor because in the past, that worked perfectly well.  LIKE as an example, you had a close and trusted buddy WHO always helped extricate you from challenges.  BUT one day, despite all the good faith by your trusted buddy, he may falter and fail in helping you out.  To humbly share with my readership, often I would have [at the very least] 3 PLANs, e.g. A, B and C because there is even that remote probability that both Plans A & B will falter.  YES dude, IF PLAN A DOESN'T WORK, THERE ARE 25 MORE LETTERS TO GO😀😀😀

Chasing Happiness?

 

Bonus question here:  WHO'S CHASING for HAPPINESS? YES, for the longest time, I was that one, constantly chasing for HAPPINESS.  BUT alas, my constant chasing in the past led me at times to misery, ouch.  NOT too late, though, I realized that HAPPINESS is a ghost NOT worth pursuing as we all have far much wiser goals to focus and achieve in life.  WHILE it's true that we all share those basic desires and fears BUT the truth is that, more often, those desires and fears are way more intense.  Perhaps, no desire is more universal than that desire for HAPPINESS, made more concrete and felt more urgently WHEN a person is struggling psychologically.  And WHEN we're hit with it, it can show us WHY HAPPINESS is such an elusive aim for any person☝☝☝

YES dude, if I have to move mountains to convince you that HAPPINESS just CAN'T CAN'T be pursued, I will.  WHAT is NOT so apparent on the surface, though, there seems that looming crisis of meaning in our world today.  I heard it first hand from quite a number of folks that at times, they feel overwhelmed, lonely and at times feeling unfulfilled.  And they admitted that in the course of chasing HAPPINESS, at times they ended up sacrificing relationships, and even their health [WHICH became a mess]💥💥💥

Typical day-to-day challenges we hear are those feeling overwhelmed with financial pressures, drowning under a stack of bills that CAN'T be paid, and stressing about family obligations.  Some would worry that their unhealthy lifestyles have have even led them to a vicious cycle of low energy and sometimes even depression.  In case you're going through any of these, you're NOT alone dude.  Many people are sensing their emptines, that existential vacuum BUT are NOT sure WHAT to do about it.  Sadly, some even turn to drugs and other forms of avoidance and worst of all worse, some would put on a HAPPY FACE😡😡😡 to mask their unresolved issues at hand📗📙📘

More alarming situations I became aware is that some folks would end up withdrawing and postponing living a dull life and although they may NOT be literally imprisoned behind those real barbed wires and steel, many people feel like they are 'prisoners' in their own lives.  And WHAT's our fix for this?  The antidote here is really NOT about that search for HAPPINESS because per se, HAPPINESS is an emotion that is linked to pleasure BUT that's fleeting and guaranteed NOT TO LAST long💥💥💥

Our takeaway:  Through the donkey years when I was the hiring manager, my recurring challenge during those interview phases was to figure out someone WHO should be deeply self-motivated sans those motivations triggered by salary adjustments or promotions because I always know for a fact that those are no less than quick fixes and palliatives that will only trigger spikes in their HAPPINESS [that leads to those spiking self-motivation].  Dude, if you're still chasing for HAPPINESS till now, better NOT.  If it comes, welcome it as a blessing😀😀😀

The Upsides Of 'BORINGNESS'

 

WHY in the world 'BORINGNESS' has been stigmatized?  IF you seem to lead a 'BORING' life.  IF you yourself is perceived as 'BORING'.  BUT WHAT's really wrong with 'BORINGNESS'?  Recently, there is a very convincing argument favoring the hidden joy of a 'BORING' life as studies showed that slowing down is a radical act in this frenzied world very much addicted and succumbing to speed and nothing less📗📘

Sadly, there is still a plurality WHO tend to associate a 'BORING' life with an empty one.  Seriously, it's NOT like that dude.  In fact, I'll ride on the bandwagon and pitch that the opposite can also be true.  NOT to dampen the joy we all relish in an 'EXCITING' life, there is a looming school of thought WHICH says that an 'EXCITING' life can be an EMPTY one instead.  Ironically, we will see that life with full of motion BUT without direction.  A life packed with plans BUT devoid of purpose.  An overflow of oozing energy that seems forced and pressured.  Admittedly, for donkey years, I chased excitement as much as I embraced it.  I would love the 'RUSH', the frenzied changes, that feeling of being 'ALIVE' every minute.  I even cherished my life then as a road warrior, living on a suitcase as I was hopping to my next flight every week.  HOWEVER, over time, I have to admit that I noticed something uncomfortable, something that leads to 'hollowness'💥💥💥

Admittedly, there I was in the midst of things, being hit by that deep fear of boredom and of missing out on something others were enjoying [WHILE I was NOT].  NOW, I have to declare a clean breast of a 180-degree turnaround and admit that today, I prefer CALM [and admittedly, I dread to go back to the pace and speed of life I had the past years].  If I have to summarize my realization now, I'll admit that living a 'BORING' life is incredibly fulfilling inside out😡😡😡

If I observed a favorite 'whipping boy' across cultures through the years, it's the introverts WHO are, at times, tagged and deemed as 'BORING'!@#$%?  BUT WHY are those WHO are interpersonally more reserved are subjected to that kind of undeserving scrutiny and negative attribution at that, as being 'BORING'?  That stereotype of the quiet individual WHO is inclined to privacy being viewed as a 'BORING' person may reflect a push across cultures towards an unbridled extroversion❎❎❎

Our takeaway:  NOT to downplay the joy and benefits of interacting with a 'talker', I do hear around another faction of thought that those characteristics generally associated with extroverts are also considered as attributes of 'BORING' people, such as talking too much, being arrogant self-centered OR self-absorbed.  In fact, an introverted person should NOT be unfairly tagged as having that interpersonal deficit because, that could even be their very strength, as it is beyond debate that they are generally more authentic [NOT to imply that extroverts are NOT] and accepting their introversion should be a boost to their well-being.  YES dude, there are one too many UPSIDES of 'BORINGNESS'💚💛💜

Where's That Digital Exhaustion Leading Us To?

 

Not too long back, once I login to our mainframe-based systems, on average, my unread mails right at SOD [start of day] was averaging 50 mails more OR less.  Those days, I thought that was way too much especially since email platforms at that time were hosted by those large-scale mainframe systems [at that time, IBM was the market-dominant player].  Correlating that backdrop today is like measuring the distances in our work area versus the distances that separate the planetary bodies.  Yup, even emails have a very high saturation rate NOT just in the urban areas.  Frankly, regardless of economic and social strata, almost everyone has an email account.  Oh yes, almost every merchant will entice us to register and subscribe so that we may receive freebies and promo notifications.   So, that explains WHY it's a non-news if I'll make noise that I got hundreds of new mails everyday in my In-box.  NON-news at all dude💥💥💥

A few years back, I was doing the legwork to prepare several of our team members WHO were Japan-bound for a project assignment and amongst many queries, my Japan counterpart advised me to include "LINE" in my preparation checklist.  I thought he was referring to a "POSTPAID PHONE LINE" instead of a prepaid account.  Only to realize that "LINE" is Japan's most popular mobile messaging application.  Ouch.  I thought I was a techie enough and updated enough.  Only to realize that I had a long way to go😕😕😕

Fast-forward to today, WHAT's our typical scenario?  XXX unread messages, tons of notifications [from FB, Viber, Slack, Telegram name it] and to complicate things, you have 3 to 5 dashboards to open with data-driven reports for you to present in the MBR [monthly business review] come next day.  Then, that familiar hollowness sets in😡😡😡

Suddenly, WHAT happens next?  True, we may NOT be experiencing physical fatigue OR literal burnout BUT a distinctly modern form of depletion, experiencing WHAT researches now identify as "DIGITAL EXHAUSTION".  A bit scary here is the fact that unlike that traditional burnout, this so called "DIGITAL EXHAUSTION" is NOT triggered by either poor management OR even toxic culture.  Instead, experts opine that it can 'flourish' even in well-functioning workgroups even led by well-meaning leaders.  So WHAT really is driving "DIGITAL EXHAUSTION"?  Studies show that "DIGITAL EXHAUSTION" is NOT caused by the devices themselves BUT rather, it stems from HOW these devices connect us to information and people in ways that fundamentally challenge our cognitive architecture❎❎❎

Our takeaway: WHAT seems alarming is one key finding in recent researches showing that these    "DIGITAL" technologies fragment our attention in unprecedented ways. LIKE WHEN we constantly shift our focus between emails, spreadsheets chat messages and video calls, our brain must redirect blood flow to different neural regions and stats data show that a typical person makes nearly 1,200 such transitions daily with each transition requiring several seconds [at the very least] for neural retooling.  Experts also claim that these transitions leave "ATTENTION RESIDUE", that lingering activation that impairs our performance.  Oh Oh, WHERE's THAT DIGITAL EXHAUSTION LEADING US TO???

Going The Distance.....

 

Heard being advised to GO THE DISTANCE?  Rarely, right?  Even WHEN a first-time marathoner joins the famed Boston Marathon, rarely he's counselled to GO THE DISTANCE.  NO sirrrs, I'm NOT referring either to that 2010 Drew Barrymore movie.  BUT instead, we'd like to tackle HOW is it GOING THE DISTANCE in our life journey.  Are we on it?  OR do we need some hard-selling for this pitch???

Much similar to the literal marathon races we see, to GO THE DISTANCE in life may seem so simple, akin to just putting one foot in front of the other.  BUT as real marathons and road races have shown, it's crystal clear that it's more than just preparing for those grueling tests of endurance.  Even way beyond crafting a training plan that includes nutrition and stamina!!!

Swinging over to our life marathons, for us to GO THE DISTANCE, it covers amongst others handling muscle fatigue, even mental obstacles and even proactively reducing our vulnerability for potential injury.  Such it is in life as well.  There will be more rough patches than smooth stretches.  BUT the stark reality is a good number of us easily give up way too early in our own life marathons💚💛💜

The thing is, we CAN'T simply wake up one morning and make up our mind that we're in it, in that life-long marathon.  Much akin to the real marathon preparations, our so called training plans in life slowly build mileage day-by-day, week-by-week and peaking WHEN we hit one rough patch after another.  And WHEN that pressure builds up in us, that frequently becomes the TIPPING POINT, WHERE boys get separated from men, WHERE sprinters get differentiated versus marathoners😡😡😡

Our takeaway:  If I may add to the doses of advice by professional coaches, MORE than just the sheer energy + stamina, one ingredient that is a MUST-HAVE is that etched commitment that gets embedded for the long haul, embedding it UNCONDITIONALLY regardless of the roughest waters in the high seas our boat might face.  YES dude, LIFE IS ALL ABOUT GOING THE DISTANCE💥💥💥