Your Past, Present & Future

Your Past, Present & Future

I was and never a student of Chinese culture and philosophies BUT I admit this poster from Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu says it all as to how we deal with the Past, Present & Future.  YES, I do wonder HOW time affects our relationships to our very own selves, in growing forward, in looking backward, even in predictions and trajectories, in haunting doubts, and in the present mind spaces.  As each of us do hold so many complexities, possibilities and memories within us, this may be a really interesting [and relevant] perspective to wrap into our own, embedding it within us.  YES it's damn true, the PAST tends to hold us back, haunting us, and kind of hostaging us, till we realize we remain shackled till today???

So, HOW can we absolve our faults OR paths that led us to places we now wish to have avoided?  HOW can we now model to our PAST self that love, that mentorship and softness that we need?  Studies show that practicing tenderness to a PAST self can take many forms WHETHER it's writing letters to your past self, OR creating prayers OR wishes directed to your past self OR starting a diary addressing the past.  BUT the thing, let's forget if we're contemplating to reverse the time capsule🙏🙏🙏

WHEREAS in the present, we may be often critical and so demanding of our energy and our lives.  Think about HOW we talk and about ourself, BOTH our loud and even in your head.  Consider HOW we might change the way we address our own self in order to offer sweetness, encouragement OR even empowerment.  Let's think about our capacity to offer these things in other contexts, i.e. perhaps we offer to our peers, friends, family.  Let's compare the way we talk to and about them with the way we talk to OR about our own self.  HOW can we show that tenderness to our present self in a way that makes a room for forgiveness, flexibility and empowerment💥💥💥

MAYBE its all about starting a collection of loving reminders to our own self, OR maybe it's just softly challenging that critical voice in our head from time to time.  WHICH leads me to find some springboards for thought on HOW we can incorporate self love in the present.  Probably like writing a list of affirmations that resonate with us?  OR giving our own self time to rest, HOWEVER we need to do it.  WHETHER it is a short break during the day, an evening to yourself with NO expectations, OR a whole day off for relaxing and have that 'me-time' make time to center yourself in your own universe❗❗❗

Our takeaway:  If there is a variable that can easily throw a monkey wrench in our life, it's that FUTURE ahead, down the road.  In those FUTUREs, it is often tempting to put our ambitions, expectations and even worries in the folds along milestones like age OR anniversaries.  Think about HOW you set goals and deadlines for yourself and consider HOW those expectations you have for your FUTURE can lead you to those unnecessary anxieties.  WHY can't we step back and be IN THE MOMENT, dude???

How's Our PEOPLE-PLEASING?

 

HOW's our PEOPLE-PLEASING?  IF you're a PEOPLE-PLEASER, you might be known for doing WHATEVER it takes to make others happy, right?  And although being kind and helpful is generally a good thing, going too far to please others can leave you emotionally depleted, stressed OR even anxious.  Before the kitchen sink is thrown upon me, let us agree in defining WHAT a PEOPLE-PLEASER is, that is, a person WHO puts others needs ahead of his own.  This type of person is attuned to others and often seen as agreeable, helpful and kind💥💥💥

The downside of these all is that studies have proven that PEOPLE-PLEASERS would often have trouble and difficulty in advocating for themselves, WHICH may then lead to that kind of harmful pattern of self-sacrifice OR worse, self-neglect.  In Psychology, they have associated PEOPLE-PLEASERS with a personality trait called SOCIOTROPY, that manifestation of feeling overly concerned with PLEASING others and earning/securing their approval [call it CONSENT] as a way to maintain or even level-up their relationship, no matter if it's even a platonic one. NOT to scare you BUT pscyhologists claim that this behavior can be a symptom of a mental health condition❌❌❌

Some of the tell-tale signs that we're a PEOPLE-PLEASER?

• WHEN you just CAN'T SAY "NO" to people
• WHEN you keep thinking WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK
• WHEN you feel guilty WHEN YOU SAY 'NO' TO PEOPLE
• WHEN you agree to things you REALLY DON'T AGREE WITH
• WHEN you want people to LIKE YOU and get their approval too
• WHEN you're constantly apologetic telling people I'M SORRY
• WHEN you're ready to take all the blame even if you're faultless
• WHEN you neglect your own needs due to PLEASING PEOPLE
• WHEN you always run out of time because you prioritize others
• WHEN you take the blame even if you're faultless or blameless

BUT more than just shortlisting these most common manifestations, WHAT are the COMMON CAUSES or triggers of being a PEOPLE-PLEASER?

• INSECURITY - Because we're worried people will NOT like us if we DON'T please them?
• PERFECTIONISM - Sometimes, perfectionism goes overboard, way and beyond, whew!@#$%?
• POOR SELF-ESTEEM - Sometimes we end up pleasing people as we DON'T value our own
  
  Our takeaway:  Having heard all kinds of perspectives, my take here is that motivation to help others can at times be a manifestation of altruism, WHERE one may genuinely want to make sure that other people have the help they need.  BUT in other cases, PEOPLE-PLEASING may turn its ugly head for one to feel validated OR liked.  Ironically, by making sure that people are either happy, satisfied OR PLEASED, they will feel AS IF they are that useful and valued, NO THANKS TO BEING A PEOPLE-PLEASER!!!

What's Next After The Billowing Smoke?

What's Next After The Billowing Smoke?

No sirrrrs, I am NOT raising a false emergency alarm here.  Instead, I'm referring more to our life.  What's Next After The Billowing Smoke?  Sometimes [or maybe quite many times], we do get embroiled into the perils of life WHERE one day, smoke starts to billow, those moments WHEN one problem we're facing starts to build up, Like WHEN one is in dire financial straights, UNLESS you have a realistic recovery plan, all hell will break loose📗📙📘

It is indeed a universal truth that talking through our problems can make them GO AWAY.  Oh Oh Oh, NOT exactly.  On the other hand, psychologists researched that if we're into a trauma and will start talking through it DOESN'T necessarily diminish the ill effects BUT it can make things worse!!!  As they dug deeper into their studies, they concluded that there is that fine line between processing the experience to make it that manageable and reliving and even 're-traumatizing' oneself.  Like WHEN someone is recalling something horrific, where you can, DON'T let them go back to that nightmare❎❎❎

The detestable thing is WHEN you do see smoke billowing BUT you either miss it out OR you refuse to accept that indeed there's billowing smoke you're staring.  And WHAT are the ramifications if one either unintentionally misses OR simply refuses to face reality?  Depending as to how fast that smoke is billowing, which means, how fast will your situation deteriorate FROM BAD TO WORSE, that should answer WHETHER you can be facing a NOT so palatable situation too hot to handle sooner than later.  WHAT IF a couple are having spats few times a week that accelerates to a daily exchange of words till profane language would fly on top emotions till, one day, things turn physical???

YES life is tough, let's acknowledge that.  BUT dude, you can still live a good life.  True, NO one promises solutions for life's problems BUT instead, work out an approach towards grappling those problems [before things will pile up, before you end up underneath the bus].  Recognizing our problems and reflecting upon them and probably even extending a helping hand to others will even boost your own morale towards fixing your life✅✅✅

Our takeaway:  My analogy for that billowing smoke in our daily lives is that daily traffic gridlock in almost all metro areas.  And WHAT causes these traffic gridlocks to become as constant as day and night?  Simple answer.  The government authorities tasks to manage traffic have been sleeping on their jobs OR they simply ignore WHEN that monstrous problem started off with a manageable smoke.  Dude, if only they asked themselves, WHAT'S NEXT AFTER THE BILLOWING SMOKE😌😌😌

That 'PASSWORD CHANGE' Conundrum

 

NO sirrrrrrs, NOT to worry, this is NOT a techie thread today.  Instead, I'd like to break down and break out that fallacy about changing PASSWORDs.  THAT changing it often keeps you safe?  THAT changing it multiple times per year becomes the very conrnerstone of your own security [NOT to your fault, because likely, this was engrained to you [NO thanks to some of our organizations peddling tight security policies

BUT alas, here's a very sensible advice:  GOOD PASSWORDS DON'T [usually] NEED TO BE CHANGED [as often as like changing our clothes].  Changing PASSWORDs really only makes sense WHEN your PASSWORDs are compromised. After all, if NO one knows your PASSWORD, WHY CHANGE IT [again, UNLESS/EXCEPT it's a company compliance thing.  YET YET YET, ISN'T it puzzling as to WHY PASSWORDs still get cracked?  As such, it might seem logical to frequently switch yours up.  You never know WHICH of your password could be guessed, right???

NOW, before we get lost, WHY DON'T we step back.  There's just NO reason any of our PASSWORDs should be 'guessable', right?  BUT if a hacker is able to breach your PASSWORD, likely you got a BAD PASSWORD, surely.  NOW, let's take a step back farther and say none of your PASSWORDs should be 'crackable' even by a computer either, NOT on a timeline WHERE it matters💦💦💦

Thing is, a good PASSWORD, meaning one that is both strong and unique, is inherently 'uncrackable' and it should be long, varied and NOT IN USE on any other account.  It SHOULDN'T matter if the companies that control one of your accounts is breached because, by then, your PASSWORD is different than that one.  Please consider using this tool to test the 'UNCRACKABILITY' of your PASSWORD:  https://bitwarden.com/password-strength/

Our takeaway:  Barring compliance requirements by organizations, it behooves that you subject the 'UNCRACKABILITY' [at least for the duration you want to] of your password via that tool's link.  IF you opt for a PASSWORD enough to endure all hackers in a year's time, go for that PASSWORD.  There's NO need to change that PASSWORD before a year lapses and there's NO need to change that PASSWORD period UNLESS you're presented with an actual threat.  Just sharing basic security best practices here for our consideration😁😁😁

Do You Know WHO Is Holding You Back?

Do You Know WHO Is Holding You Back?

Through the years, I have known people on a first-hand basis WHO had grandiose plans, ambitious goals, concrete objectives and roadmaps in life that made me no less than envious BUT appreciative.  BUT before you jump and sing all the hosannahs and hallelujahs, let me dampen your expectations because roughly, for every ten people I came to know, maybe one to two of them had their respective plans and goals come intro fruition.  So, you would ask me now, WHAT HAPPENED to the 80%? The answer is NOT that difficult to fathom.  Something else was HOLDING THEM BACK.  And of the 80% WHO were HELD BACK, 100% of them all were HELD BACK by their very own.  That answers the question: Do You Know WHO Is Holding You Back???

Culling from my past interactions with them, easily 30% of them were dependent [AS IN] on someone as the leader, the initiator and he/was contented to be the follower, simply replicating the steps made by the leader.  Sometimes, their dependency is NOT on a person BUT on a future factor that is very 'iffy', e.g. someone will pursue options to migrate to another country if that country's immigration laws become less stringent💧💧💧

Another day-to-day scenario I do bear witness is that CLOUD of FEAR that is enveloping him/herself.  BUT getting into that FEAR FACTOR could be a complex topic to dissect because there is a mile-long list of FEARS we commonly face in life.  And setting aside the most mundane FEARS, the FEAR that is legitimate to be tackled is that FEAR of FAILURE.  Until and unless you overcome that FEAR of FAILURE, you will NEVER inch forward even if you continue to dream about your plans💚💛💜

Another common culprit is NOT related to FEAR but that person seems to be toeing [hook, line and sinker] someone's definition of SUCCESS.  That means you will end up comparing your performance to someone else's timelines and even goals, WHICH in the end will likely end in an incorrect assessment.  BUT to be fair to each of us, FEAR of something bad happening in the future is one of the things that make us human.  Animals might fear an immediate danger, that is happening right now BUT only we FEAR something that might happen, that ISN'T happening now, that ISN'T even showing its ugly face at the moment.  This FEAR, some might say, is necessary as it stops us from doing something stupid.  BUT I've found most of these FEARS to be unnecessary, to be baseless, to be holding us back from achieving something.  Failure.  Abandonment.  Rejection.  Intimacy.  Success.  Being broke.  NOT being good enough.  FEARS can go on and on😔😔😔

Our takeaway:  Of all the multifarious common triggers of FEAR, NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH is actually at the root of all the others.  We FEAR we'll fail because we're NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  We FEAR we'll lose our relationships, that we'll be abandoned, that we'll be rejected.  Even that FEAR of SUCCESS is based on the worry that we're NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  Dude, do you know WHO [or WHAT] is HOLDING YOU BACK???

Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing?

Breadcrumbing?  For alignment, let's do a lookup at Mr Google's definition which says BREADCRUMBING is that 'manipulative tactic where someone feigns interest in another person without any intention of committing to a relationship.  It's also commonly described as "HANSEL & GRETELLING" because it's very similar to the children's story WHERE BREADCRUMBS are left to mark a path.  Oh YES, before we get mixed up, psychologists claim that BREADCRUMBING can be intentional OR unintentional.  And it can happen in many types of relationships [and NOT limited to romantic ones].  Decades back, BREADCRUMBING WON'T deserve to be a talking point but today, it has turned it's ugly head, NO thanks to social media📘📙📗

If you're still one of those doubting Thomas's, questioning WHY we'll have BREADCRUMBING as our thread today, let me rattle off a sampling of a spate of social media stuff:

• Sending occasional messages on social media
• Flirtation without asking someone out
• Leaving comments on social media without responding to messages
• Sending memes OR gif's instead of engaging in meaningful or at least a casual conversation
• Inviting someone for coffee BUT not showing up

These BREADCRUMBING exceptions may seem to be petty BUT can we ignore some of its ramifications, like:

• WILLFULLY manipulating someone in utter bad faith
• NEEDLESSLY triggering a roller coaster of emotions
• UNNECESSARILY sowing confusion and uncertainty
• FEEDING anxiety OR dependency on a hapless person
• SOWING loneliness OR hopelessness that's worsening
• GUILTLESSLY creating turmoil amidst a prevailing peace
• UTTERLY causing pain, albeit minor, WHEN in truth, the receiving party does NOT deserve such bad faith at all
  

In a nutshell, BREADCRUMBING has got NOTHING to do with literal bread crumbs BUT everything to do with how people behave WHEN they are in a relationship OR dating someone [with an intent NOT for the long haul].  WHEN you've just started talking to someone and there's a potentially budding romance OR even a potential commercial partnership, things are NOT always black and white WHEN things are utterly fluid.  And by the waters become clearer, likely a lot might NOT yet be verbally communicated by then💥💥💥

Our takeaway:  Much as falling in love with someone and then realizing that they DON'T feel the same way for you is absolutely heartbreaking BUT in an ideal scenario, both parties should move at the same pace and reciprocate.  Having said this, let's admit that the world does NOT always go according to the most ideal scenario.  That's WHY it is imperative to know and understand WHAT BREADCRUMBING is [before it's too late]😌😌😌

The Downside of Kindness

The Downside of Kindness

YES dude, this is a no-brainer.  Everyone of us grew up, with KINDNESS being taught and as we were on the receiving end during our childhood, in our adulthood it's kind of payback time NOT because we are obligated BUT it's just part of our human nature.  BUT WHEN did we realize that there is that Downside of Kindness?  YES dude, there are always two sides of a coin and KINDNESS can't be exempted from that equation📗📙📘

NOT to be cynical veering towards becoming negative, our kindness may make us vulnerable by getting easily hurt, OR worse, we can get disadvantaged in various ways like people may tend to bully use OR frankly, people may 'USE' you triggered by their ulterior motives.  In the end, you could end up with unrealistic expectations because normally, human nature dictates that as a bare minimum, we will at the very least acknowledge, if NOT reciprocate that KINDNESS we extended to someone else😌😌😌

NOW, let's be frank here.  Being KIND is a-ok BUT being TOO NICE may get you too far down the road.  KINDNESS is always in style BUT being a pushover can hurt you in many different ways.  True, it is always in our favor to be NICE and it is rarely advantageous to be passive.  To quote Quora user Courtney Bryant, 'A BLEND OF KINDNESS AND ASSERTIVENESS IS A MAGNIFICENT COCKTAIL.  Indeed!!!

BUT WHAT happens WHEN you get the recipe wrong, mixing in too much deference for others and NOT enough hard-headed pursuit of your own goals?  So, the challenge here is to equip us with that capability to know that you have 'crossed the line' WHICH qualifies you then to be tagged as a 'pushover' as well as warnings about the dangers of taking your [entirely admirable] urge to please others probably way too far❎❎❎

Our takeaway:  Being KIND may lead 'some' to think that you are weak and that's WHEN one may take advantage of your KINDNESS.  This is generally the rap against being too quick to put your needs in favor of the needs of others and that is already a 'potential 'RED FLAG'.  BUT let's face, genuinely nice people AREN'T rare BUT especially in some corners of the business world, me thinks that they are hardly in the majority either.  This sad fact means that if you are truly NICE, you're liable to be occasionally misunderstood and even viewed with suspicion.  Suddenly, people will turn things around you and suspect that behind your KINDNESS is an ulterior motive.  Whoah, witf these DOWNSIDES OF KINDNESS!@#$%?

Blessings of Darkness

Blessings of Darkness

Anyone should be IN with us WHEN the sun is shining and dandy?  Absolutely, we'll ride and join your bandwagon when it's all about celebrations, enjoyment and fun.  BUT WHAT IF I enjoin you that we''ll go deep into the cavernous caves of Balochistan, WHICH, for decades, were the most secured turf of the late Osama Bin Laden?  OR WHAT if we are to simulate the typical hardships and challenges of the underprivileged?  Any show of hands?  I'll surmise I can still get a handful of hands BUT NOT a wave I guess.  No, I'm NOT nitpicking here because it's human nature that we loathe circumstances WHERE darkness lurks, WHERE darkness may lead us deeper in problems we fear to face head-on.  BUT did we realize the Blessings of Darkness???

Admittedly, reframing the challenges we face in life as BLESSINGs is a tough act to concretize.  BUT yes, we can find calm, maybe NOT in the face of a raging storm's eye BUT after the rage has subsided.  YES we can find good in a sea of uncertainty.  SO HOW?  HOW can we shift our focus?  At this point in my life, I draw inspiration from the confluence of events in the past WHEN I was juggling sometimes more than one storm at a given time.  I then always told myself to take a deep breath [or many] and allow some calm and joy in📗📙📘

YES, there were hard times from my past WHEN I had to turn away from the news for a moment and instead, tune into my life and I [literally] started to count the BLESSINGS all around me.  YES I had a key realization then and it's the fact that BLESSINGS are often hidden amidst hardships and challenges and maybe even as we speak now, others are navigating through circumstances we ourselves have never faced before.  People worry about their health, finances, that discomfort of the UNKNOWN.  And YES, many really DON'T have the 'safety nets' in life.  Many are separated from their loved ones.  If we look at the Middle East, the diasporas from South Asian countries [e.g. India, Pakistan, etc] are most evident💧💧💧

YES, I totally hear you that our concerns and fears are natural and we absolutely should feel HOW we feel.  BUT worry WON'T alter the future one way OR another.  Instead, it only takes away today's peace.  Like it OR not, we're being forced to slow down and to spend more time with our families.  And that is a precious gift and if we embrace it, we'll NOT only be happier and more fulfilled now BUT instead, we could also enrich ourselves for the future.  Might we change HOW we live our lives, as to WHAT and HOW do we prioritize?  In these unprecedented times, we have an unprecedented opportunity to make a shift, an awakening of sorts.  Much as we're witnessing this unprecedented global warming, our planet Earth seems to be 'healing' and we can draw a parallelism here because we humans are healing too.  WHERE we can pray so we can take much of it with us WHEN this passes so that we truly take a leap forward and DON'T just settle back into our old ways❎❎❎

Our takeaway:  There are still moments we can cherish in WHICH we can be present and in WHICH we can create something good, perhaps very good and everlasting enough.  We can and should try to shift our focus.   And hope is a powerful tool as the ability to gain perspective from those before us WHO weathered different unimaginable storms in life.  YES, the future remains uncertain only as to WHEN.  WHAT is certain is that an undisclosed amount of time, it will come.  Yes dude, there are BLESSINGS arising from DARKNESS💜💛💚

Not Every Problem Needs A Solution

Not Every Problem Needs A Solution

WHO DOESN'T have problems?  Everyone has and there will never be a time in the future that can guarantee to us all that we'll be problem-free.  BUT Not Every Problem Needs A Solution.  I myself, WHEN I see something wrong, my first impulse is typically to drill-down and diagnose the problem [and obviously, to solve it]📘📙📗

In my career, diving into the root cause of a problem has been like a second to none as an option.  And to reset expectations, diving down into a problem is NO patsy stuff BUT I'll admit it's damn satisfying once you get to resolve it.  Dealing with quick questions has been a good BUT NOT particularly lucrative 'side business' for me for much of my life.  BUT then again, Not Every Problem Needs A Solution💥💥💥

A news story, WHETHER a health update about a relative OR a disaster far away from our location, is NOT typically a problem and damn it, I CAN'T solve it [even if I want to].  Even the decision to 'SHARE' the story SHOULDN'T be taken lightly.  WHY?  Oh Oh Oh, we should know by now that the 'SHARE' button can even cause a strong emotional reaction [by the receiver].  Instead, my response to many emotionally charged messages has been "HOW CAN I HELP'???

After being part of the workforce just a year after my university graduation, I'll credit the environment I worked in for getting me to try a mindfulness practice.  I learned that mindfulness ISN'T about tuning out to the world.  I was expected to pay more attention to the world around me WHETHER or NOT my eyes were open.  I was often advised by my mentors then to observe things, notice them, identify them, and then LET THEM GO.  And that was a good plan to deal as early as that time😌😌😌

Our takeaway:  Even as I humbly admit that till to date I keep abreast and keep current [on a daily basis with events all over the globe], I try to detach without coming across as overly cold OR uncaring.  Sometimes, people sharing a problem are seeking help with it.  At other times, they want to vent, and I have to choose WHETHER I want to be a sounding board.  At other times, I accept that people want to be consoled, comforted.  'THAT SUCKS' is a perfectly fine thing to say although I do lament HOW often I've had to say it lately.  Yes dude, NOT EVERY PROBLEM NEEDS A SOLUTION, though❗❗❗

When We're DEAD IN THE WATER

When We're DEAD IN THE WATER

Of all possible threads, this is the thread I dread to cover because NO ONE as in NO ONE wants to talk about being DEAD IN THE WATER.  BUT reality tells us, that that happens, much as we dread it.  Unfortunately, some of us go through that most trying situations in life, those times WHEN you were telling yourself you gave it all, you've squeezed every sweat you can and there's just NOTHING else for you📗📙📘

Surely, almost everyone of us, at some point in our respective past, did hit the lowest of the lows, hitting rock bottom eventually.  BUT likely you were that successful enough to pull yourself up to WHERE you are right now.  Truth is, there is no single person on this planet WHO has never experienced failure OR frustration.  At some point in each of our own lives, hitting the brick wall happens as things fall apart😌😌😌

Hold on though.  Before we start exchanging notes, the fact is every person's lowest point is different.  Everyone's story of success and failure is unique.  Every single person also faces different demons.  It is only WHEN you have reached the bottom of the pit that you begin to realize that you have indeed hit rock bottom.  You then start to have a positive outlook and you begin your own journey to recovery.  YES, there are different reasons WHY a person may feel they've reach the bottom.  Some of these reasons could be a failure of relationships, loss of job, loss of home OR even drug addiction❎❎❎

True, many of our everyday lives seem monotonous [OR is it?] WHEN everyday we wake up, eat, work [or go to school], then sleep.  And we do this everyday.  That is WHY when we [ever] reach the bottom, we face challenges.  And these challenges end up shaking our own life, like the tectonic plates banging each other in a high-intensity earthquake.  BUT before we get hanged up with the fix how to eke ourselves out of that rock bottom, let us list common signs that you did hit rock bottom:

• You got fired from your job [OR your business went kaput]
• You lost your house [and NOW homeless]
• Your financial problems are insurmountable
• You crossed the line and are in trouble with the law
• You got kicked out of school or dropped out unexpectedly
• You got serious injury that may cause permanent disability
• Your marriage/relationship ended DEAD IN THE WATER

Our takeaway:  Life can get rough and tough BUT no one gets by life without being hit by the big waves of life.  Every single human being faces monstrous waves in life.  NO one is immune and shielded from it.  And WHEN you get hit, BOUNCE BACK?  HOW?  Rise up, breathe, and swim your way towards higher ground.  The same goes for life's problems.  WHEN WE'RE DEAD IN THE WATER, never back down.   Swim towards a better day even if it is very hard💥💥💥