Does Knowing What We Don't Want Matters?

 

Does KNOWING WHAT WE DON'T WANT really makes sense?  YES we normally know that we want something in our life to be different even if the specific thing we want to change ISN'T quite clear enough.  At times, it happens WHEN we experience feelings of dissatisfaction OR even an all-consuming sense of despair.  it feels like there's something [OR a lot of things] left unsatisfied and it may be sometimes overwhelming to think about.  OR maybe sometimes we seem to be fed up with those prolonged feelings of sadness, exhausted by experiences with anxiety throughout our day OR sometimes straight up done with always feeling angry OR at least frustrated with our own self OR at times, with anyone💚💛💜

Being smart persons [most of the time anyways], at times we could have found ways distract from our own despair.  True, those tactics [call it workaround] do help us avoid those feelings of distress for a period of time.  The downside of that is that that distraction DOESN'T last forever and in the end, we are faced with a deep longing for something more permanent to change itself.  As unlikely as it may sound, it is necessary for us to be, as our feelings are giving us that loud and clear message we need something better💥💥💥

WHAT is not so obvious on the surface is the fact that our feelings go hand-in-hand with particular kinds of actions.  WHEN we're happy and excited about life, we're probably NOT spending the days hiding under the covers and wishing things were different.  And as responsive beings, we DON'T just have feelings about the things we experience BUT we also have feelings about our responses to those things.  Sometimes, I myself would blurt out "I'm tired of feeling this way"  and I realized that that also implicitly meant that I was tired of behaving the ways that correspond with HOW I'm feeling then❎❎❎

We DON'T need to look too far away from WHERE we stand now.  At times, we may tend to be sick of binge eating OR drinking excessively OR worst, even succumbing to drugs to escape the reality we're going through.  We could be fed up with procrastinating on the things we think we should be doing.  OR perhaps we just DON'T have the energy to argue with our partner OR spouse any much longer.  Though all these may seem to be concerning, psychologists warn us that these manifestations and behaviors do offer a stepping stone towards something that feels better.  BUT the complexity of life lies within.  WHETHER it's feelings, behaviours OR a combination of both that we may feel ready to address, we tend to know that we want to see a real change.  And yet, sometimes, we're confused WHERE to start😌😌😌

Our takeaway:  I can quickly recall in the past WHEN sometimes I felt frustrated because there were times WHEN I tend to be focusing my attention on WHAT I DON'T want.  Looking back, someone in our life could have counseled us that the kind of focus can undermine our ability to bring our own goals to life.  WHAT happens next?  We tend to worry that we're going to be stuck in that place of despair forever?  BUT contrary to that perspective, realizing WHAT you DON'T want is a worthy endeavor because KNOWING WHAT WE DON'T WANT MATTERS!!! 

That Mix-up Between Emotions And Feelings

 

That Mix-up Between EMOTIONs And FEELINGs has always made me confused at times as both are traits we do share as humans.  BUT from a technical and psychology perspective, emotions are described as 'multi-faceted' experiences of our internal subjective experiences, facial expressions and physiological reactions.  Teasing out the FEELINGs and EMOTIONs that people have, and learning WHY they have them, is an important role for our mental health📗📙📘

Frankly, many of us [even myself before] would use FEELINGs and EMOTIONs interchangeably as synonyms [BUT alas they are NOT that interchangeable].  WHILE they have similar elements, there is a marked difference between FEELINGs and EMOTIONs.  A sampling are our emotional experiences and physical sensations LIKE hunger OR pain which would normally bring about feelings, according to experts.  WHEREAS FEELINGs are a conscious experience although NOT every conscious experience such as seeing OR believing is a FEELING.  BUT for EMOTIONs, it can only be felt through that emotional experience it gives rise to, even thought it might be discovered through its associated thoughts, beliefs, desires, and actions.  EMOTIONs are NOT conscious BUT instead manifest in our unconscious mind.  And these EMOTIONs can be brought to the surface of the conscious state in a gradual way that is akin to like WHAT experts have dubbed as 'extended psychotherapy'💥💥💥

YES, what's looming here is that fundamental difference between FEELINGs and EMOTIONs wherein the former is experienced consciously WHILE EMOTIONs manifest either consciously OR unconsciously.  And some people may spend years OR even a lifetime NOT even understanding the depths of their EMOTIONs.  That explains WHY we do come across some WHO hardly manifest EMOTIONs, if at all❌❌❌

In real life, we humans experience one too many EMOTIONs.  And this range of EMOTIONs is impacted by such factors such as their behavior, the culture they come from, and even their previous traumatic experiences, if any.  Question is HOW does EMOTION impact our behavior?  According to studies, EMOTION is that 'feedback system' WHOSE influence on behavior also provides feedback and stimulating retrospective appraisal of action, conscious emotional states WHICH can promote learning for future behavior💥💥💥

Our takeaway:  We need to be consciously mindful that culture plays a significant hand in shaping our EMOTIONs.  And a recent study showed that people want to feel more positive than negative.  YET the EMOTIONs that cause a positive experience are shown to change between cultures.  WHEREAS Americans typically prefer excitement and elation, Chinese generally prefer calm and relaxation more.  SO HOW?  Learning the difference between EMOTIONs and FEELINGs is vital knowledge for everyone of us WHO subscribe to our need in safeguaring our MENTAL HEALTH😀😀😀

Managing Social Media Addiction [if at all]

 

Please DON'T get me wrong.  I'm NOT a nemesis of SOCIAL MEDIA.  In fact, I've fully embraced it and I CAN'T imagine living life again similar to WHAT we have had in the past.  Even a recent survey across 19 countries showed that 57% are saying that SOCIAL MEDIA is a 'good thing'.  BUT surprisingly, in some countries, like Netherlands and France, 54% and 51% opine that SOCIAL MEDIA is a 'bad thing'💚💛💜

BUT I'd rather consider those survey results from the Netherlands and France as outliers because by and large, I'll consider them as outliers for now.  I'd rather NOT to be distracted with WHAT I feel are the more serious concerns we should talk about, and that's the KNOWN fact that many people are struggling with 'phone addiction' through the years, spending hours scrolling each day.  Yet NO one seems to be aware of the addiction issue that's hovering over us❎❎❎

HOW did many people handle this?  Many did delete their mobile apps like IG and TikTok BUT they admit that IT NEVER WORKS.  Everytime they deleted the apps, they reinstalled it a few days later.  Then they realized something.  They were NOT addressing the 'root' of the problem BUT WERE simply skimming the surface.  Then someone else cracked the code, whew!!! 

So WHAT's the code they cracked to break those unconstructive patterns of behavior?  They discovered and explored their interests in CREATIONs, being CREATIVE, tapping into their truest forms of creativity.  LIKE creating art.  LIKE creating videos.  LIKE creating ideas.  LIKE creating writing.  LIKE creating something that will be worth it instead of just waking up and ending up playing the same games over and over again.  OR that kind of unconsciousness captivity WHERE one keeps checking and checking for messages every looping interval😡😡😡

Our takeaway:  NOT to unnecessarily turn SOCIAL MEDIA into a whipping boy BUT the truth is, everyone of us needs to leverage on anything WITH MODERATION, and that includes SOCIAL MEDIA.  Anything that breaches the acceptable and normal thresholds is inimical to us, WHETHER we agree OR not.  BTW, SOCIAL MEDIA is and should NOT our only platform for communications.  IF an exchange of messages is going nowhere, PICK UP THE PHONE, dude!!!

What We See, We Can Change!

 

WHAT we see, we can CHANGE.  Sounds like one of those overused and overstretched slogans, right?  BUT frankly, one of the toughest and hardest nut to crack in life is pushing for CHANGE.  In fact, many times in our life, we end up in situations WHERE we simply DON'T want to CHANGE.  I would admit that I was guilty of that a zillion times.  WHY OH WHY?  Those times WHEN everything was shining and dandy.  Those times WHEN the seas were calm.  Those comfort zones💚💛💜

Please DON'T get me wrong though.  It DOESN'T mean I was turning a blind eye of WHAT needs to be rightly done.  OR that I'm simply giving up.  OR that it ISN'T painful enough to go through that dilemma.  Fact of the matter is that we are still allowed to feel however we feel, BUT by accepting that it is WHAT it is, you give the problem less power over you, enough for you to progressively move on💧💧💧

Psychologists tell us that in their researches, practical radical acceptance has been shown to reduce feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety and it can reduce distress in dealing with negative thoughts OR events💥💥💥

CHANGE practitioners [oooops, I admit I'm a Certified PROSCI Change Practitioner othat's more with regard business transformations] tell us that the very first step in accepting reality is gaining awareness that you're really resisting it.  It may seem like this would be easy to spot BUT there are actually a lot of subtle ways that people push through reality.  And if you're feeling bitter OR resentful, wishing things were different OR thinking about HOW life ISN'T fair, you might NOT realize you're fighting reality❌❌❌

Our takeaway:  One key realization I have in life is that before we can make peace with reality, we have to acknowledge that there's NO going back to the way things were [once CHANGE gets rolled up].  Doing that may be challenging and at times painful BUT by identifying WHAT you can and CAN'T control, we can turn our energy toward coping with the way we simply CAN'T CHANGE.  BUT let's size up things because WHAT WE SEE WE CAN CHANGE😀😀😀

Can Our Life Be EASIER? Seriously?

 

WHO wants an EASY LIFE?  Me Me Me!  Of course, WHO won't want it, right?  BUT please DON'T get me wrong.  I'm all for doing things in the most straightforward and simplest way possible, however, believing that life should be inherently EASY and that straightforward is often a 'FAST PASS' to dissatisfaction, anger OR even depression, huhuhu.  True, sometimes, things will come easily on us, like suddenly you hit the top LOTTO prize, wow, manna from heaven falling right on your lap📗📙📘

YES YES yow, it is that important for us to enjoy parts of our life WHEN things that seem to slot into place at the perfect time at that.  However, here's the thing.  WHEN people start to assume that things should come EASILY and believe at some level that the core aspects of life such as relationships and work should generally be plain sailing, it often leads to feeling cheated.  Also, it can feel AS IF there is something wrong with you [OR moi] if ever we find certain parts of life challenging while other people seem to be just sailing through.  The trap here is that finding things difficult can somehow become a fault OR worse, even a character defect [as WHAT psychologists opine]💧💧💧

Understandably, this often leads to people giving up OR can contribute to a perpetual sense of failure.  Relationships end because they feel OR seem to be 'too difficult' WHILE careers suddenly get cut short WHEN it gets too hard especially during those economic turmoils when companies would downsize for survival.  Worst thing, heard of those perennial family rifts?  They can linger on and on, unresolved, going unmended💥💥💥

Experts say that we sometimes feel that life should be EASY is that we compare ourselves to other people and tend to compare our 'INSIDES' to the OUTSIDES' of other people.  If other people seem to find things EASY, we would tend to assume that we should too.  BUT as with most beliefs in our adulthood, they often stem from our childhood experiences.  Having a sheltered childhood, cloistered in the confines of cushy homes that involved a lack of adversity in adulthood it feels unfamiliar and frankly, intolerable.  On the other hand, having a childhoo of emotional OR practical hardship can leave us exhausted and can create a sense of wanting❌❌❌

Our takeaway:  Telling yourself HOW things should be is one of the 'quickest' routes to distress.  Believing that even relationships, outcomes, feelings, people, careers and even events should be a 'certain way' is one of the reasons WHY it becomes a road block WHEN you end up finding something challenging.  Having a mindset that things SHOULD and SHOULDN'T be a certain way becomes the very problem at hand.  By changing our 'SHOULD BE' mindset, experts advise that we can likely lessen the impact WHEN something is more challenging than you thought it should [OR would] be.  So, CAN OUR LIFE BE EASIER?  Seriously, that's a question you can answer best😗😗😗

When We Get 'WRONGED'

 

It's true that besides being 'WRONGED' sometimes, everyone of us could have been the very cause of having other people 'WRONGED' but due to the sheer complexity of hitting two birds with one stone, I'd rather be modest and simply limit our thread today WHEN we are 'WRONGED' by others.  It is a fact of life that very unfair and unjust things can happen to really good and well-meaning, good and decent people like you.  And in the wheels of justice, we should have heard narratives of a wrongly sentenced man serving his life sentence💧💧💧

BUT we WON'T dip our fingers into that cookie jar of injustices ironically happening within our judicial systems.  Instead, let's keep things simple enough here.  Abandonment, Betrayal.  Complicity.  Deceit.  Evil intentions.  That's just the A-B-C-D-E and the alphabet is more than two dozens to go.  BUT an undeniable fact is that WHEN our sense of right and wrong, of morality and justice, gets violated, it can rock our world and leave us awash in a swirl of emotions💥💥💥

Anxiety.  Anger.  Blame.   Confusion.  Despair.  And even outrage and sometimes, even grief for WHAT's been lost.  Those swirls of emotions will continue to hound us like the hanging swords of Damocles.  On the other hand, if it's were on the right flank of things, we can witness certainty, friendship, Security and even Trust.  Those were exactly WHAT I felt the past days I finally got reunited with a close friend from way back our school age until we charted different courses!!!

NOW, WHAT if someone does 'WRONG' us up front?  Tons of researches the past decades delved on the impact of FORGIVENESS, which often described it as one that can benefit relationships with loved ones, work colleagues, friends and even the communities.  Scientific research detailed HOW it can lead to lower cortisol, WHICH is a primary stress hormone, and higher oxytocin soon after experiencing it.  It also revealed HOW heart rate variability, WHICH is a measure of one's ability to 'self-soothe', increased😃😃😃

Our takeaway:  I WON'T reinvent the wheels here BUT instead, quote EN TOTO WHAT scientists advise us:

• Ponder how FORGIVING helps the FORGIVER.
• Then, we must understand the perceived injustices to help us deal with the injustices life throws at us along the way
• Third, we can use many ways of dealing with injustices and FORGIVENESS is one of them and by thinking about the benefits of FORGIVENESS, we can get a leg up on FORGIVING.  Merely dwelling on the benefits for about 10 minutes can motivate FORGIVENESS.

How About A 'Phone-less' Holiday?

 

Living a life with NO MOBILE PHONES?  Oh no, tell that to the marines.  NO sirrrrs, I DON'T intend to stir a hornet's nest here because 99.9999999% [and that includes moi] are all dependent on mobile phones.  I just CAN'T imagine not having one right on my bag OR pocket.  Yesterday, after buying some pastries from a local bake shop, after stepping out, I realized I left my phone behind.  Thanks God, it was still there [a minute after I left it]💧💧💧

For clarity here, I am NOT espousing that we throw our mobile phones out in the window ASAP and PRONTO as in NOW.  NO sirrrrrrs.  That's unacceptable as unrealistic as it can be because these days, we're end-users of mobile apps for Grab, Uber and all those foodies for home delivery.  Even our e-Wallet apps are in that mobile phone.  BUT IF we're going on a holiday, can we leave the 'normal' phone we use [in our everyday daily life] behind WHILE we can bring a spare phone purely for purposes of that holiday?  I know we will face resistance becaause in today's hyperconnected world, travelling without a phone seems pointless OR lets say, it's just impossible💥💥💥

BUT I've talked to some WHO did this and their feedback, it was 'rewarding and rejuvenating'.  BTW, rather than just peddle this out, I did 'walk the talk'.  I did go on a two-week holiday without my business phone.  BUT this is NO easy task UNLESS we prepare for it.  HOW did I do it?

• I shortlisted the possible numbers I need for the duration of my holiday, name it, my hotel etc
• I ensured that I won't use my mobile apps to draw out money.  ATM cards are sufficient, right?

• I made sure I WON'T need OTP's from apps
• Set a fallback if you need to 'google search'
• ICE [in case of emergency], of course I got to keep those numbers within reach

One realization I had was that a 'physical list' codifies a system and eliminates that temptation during those bored, anxious moments that inevitably arise during our travels/holidays WHICH may prompt you to grab your device then❎❎❎

Our takeaway:  That very remote prospect of an emergency during your travels/holidays is WHAT really keeps many of us away from attempting a 'phoneless travel' BUT let me share you my experience.  For easily more than the past 2 decades I've been like a 'road warrior', good grief, I never encountered a sinlye 'emergency' situation.  Of course, the emergencies we're likely to encounter are those practical ones, LIKE, missing a train.  These may seem catastrophic in the moment BUT with the right attitude, they're NOTHING more than those 'speed bumps' on the road.  As travel has normalized, almost all major countries offer mobile wifi and burner phone rentals right at your airport of arrival.  IF still a phoneless travel seems daunting, let's look back, EVERYONE TRAVELLED THIS WAY [just a few decades ago]😌😌😌

What Separates Us From The Pack?

        

Another boring topic?  Sort of BUT NOT really if we think of it.  Because much as there is disdain with competition, that's one reality we have to face [and WHICH reality we CAN'T run away].  The thing is, through the years, we have always seen and known that competitive sports is a microcosm of life itself.  WHERE we need to invest time and effort to scale up even as the goal posts seem to be moved each time we achieve a milestone.  And by the time we join the workforce, we have been trained and reared to be skilled, to be on time, to be mindful of teamwork.  Then, WHEN we apply for a job, we could probably get hired.  NOW WHAT?  Outside of the workplace, from the time we were reared at home, we were taught WHAT to ear, WHEN to do our chores, and in managing our schedules as well.  BUT alas, once you step into that workforce environment, that will be all gone.  No more guidance [except of course if you have a designated buddy OR mentor]😌😌😌

The kind of 'shity' part is that by then, we tend to have NO idea as to WHAT to do anymore because it's always been done for us.  And the biggest gaping hole that 's left for many of us is knowing our purpose.  I found myself wondering 'WHO DO I COMPETE AGAINST NOW'?  HOW would I prepare myself tor the competition out there?  And so, for many of us, it becomes ourselves.  And surely, everyone of us went through this recurring dilemma.  Meanwhile, most of us get stuck in the middle of the pack❌❌❌

True, from the time we stepped in school, our respective education systems [and I guess this is true regardless of most cultures and countries], we are taught to compete against each other in class.  And we hear our mentors emphasizing the 'importance of good grades' and 'hold students back' IF they DON'T achieve.  Later on in life, we tend to use these same labels to define the rank in their class WHICH ultimately leads to better prospects✅✅✅

Ultimately, from our infancy stages until we mature, we are taught to 'SIZE YOURSELF UP' and then value is placed on that position.  That value sticks with us through life.  Some people get lucky breaks and make leaps and bounds in our multi-tiered BUT most of us keep the pace and self-fulfill our destiny.  Thie 'shitty' part is that the whole time we are competing with everyone else, playing a game we never signed up for, with rules that the same group of people over time have created to keep themselves 'AT THE TOP'.  We then try to make it fun for ourselves, like keeping ourselves distracted with social media, and even a movie-binge!@#$%

Our takeaway:  Let's keep it simple, dude.  Allow me to share my simple BUT no-nonsense approach as I told myself I WON'T let competition affect me BUT on the other hand, I'd better get prepared for competion:

• Knowing and setting your vision - really MUST DO!
• HOW's your vision inspired?  You need to be inspired
• Then, WHAT is end goal?  
• Lastly, WHAT happens once you reach your end goal

WHAT SEPARATES US FRO THE PACK?  That's for us to take action dude [UNLESS you want to get stuck up in the middle of the pack]???

Raising Your Ceiling OR Your Floor?

 

What's your CEILING?  NO sirrrrrrrs, please DON'T take me literally because I'm referring to our own and personal limits of our capabilities in life.  And if we need proof that there is equilibrium and equity in life, it lies in the fact that each of us can boast and brag that we have our respective CEILINGs.  The catch there is that each of our CEILINGs are unique.  WHILE one can be a product designer in aeronautics, another one can go as high as a pilot WHILE someone else is best to become an in-flight purser.  Just a sampling of CEILINGs here📗📙📘

Another school of thought I came across years back is that [quite] palatable option of RAISING our FLOOR instead of RAISING our CEILING.  While raising our CEILING means the whole world to us because that opens us up to much more opportunities previously never thought us achievable, many times we missed tha fact that the issue is NEVER about one's CEILING but instead, it's on us, it's WHERE we stand, it's HOW we stand.  The Greek poet Archilochus was well quoted as follows: WE DO NOT RISE TO THE LEVEL OF OUR EXPECTATIONS.  WE FALL TO THE LEVEL OF OUR TRAINING.  And this brings us back full circle because if we accept this hypothesis, it's all about us after all💚💛💜

WHEN I stumbled across this quote, I realized that this quote absolutely destroys the perspective that keeps people mediocre.  And it rejects that ineffective mainstream ideas of growth WHICH are based on using emotional manipulation to provoke action.  And I strongly feel that this [NOT so known] quote shatters that false hope and replaces it with real hope and I found out that the more I expect of myself, the less I actually do💥💥💥

In the past, I admit that I always endeavored to keep pace with the 'rat race' out there, so I tried to be that 'ultra productive' workbot, and shockingly, the results were awful during those times.  And I realized that that was classic perfectionism at work.  I mean, as expectations rise, so does the bar to entry.  BTW, that's just the math though.  A higher bar to entry means fewer entries.  And applied in a practical manner, I believe this meant that we should NOT prioritize those 'pie-in-the-sky' achievements💚💛💜

Our takeaway:  So, this boils down to FLOOR versus CEILING. Are we about to blame the height of our CEILING, such that it is hampering our own growth OR progress?  I'd say that's quite a shaky proposition because I am more inclined to believe that much more can be attributed as to how we perform right from the FLOOR.  In real terms, we walk on the floor and though we may seem to sometimes fantasize about flying to the CEILING, day after day, to our dismay, it is the FLOOR we find ourselves on.  NOW let's think carefully about our life, the UPs and DOWNs in it.  And stated simply, the greatest threat to our well-being is our regression.  That is, the greatest threat ISN'T that we CAN'T fly to the CEILING BUT instead, it is us WHEN we crash on the FLOOR.  So, are we RAISING OUR CEILING OR OUR FLOOR???   

When Humility Kicks In

 

HOW many of us grew up through childhood without being oriented and molded to grow as a person in HUMILITY?  As early as our pre-school age, WHEN we play with neighbors and friends, our parents kept reminding us about HUMILITY, LIKE being magnanimous WHEN winning games or contests.  LIKE WHEN you start to becoming successful, always manifest that HUMILITY up front because you WON'T be the person now had you NOT been mentored and molded by your parents to be HUMBLE.  BUT alas, in this topsy-turvy world, HOW far can HUMILITY go???

As competition is very tight in life, even during our school days, the teacher WON'T be holding constantly a calculator to compute each of your verbalized academic performance and your boss at the workplace is NOT YET an 'AI' entity WHO keeps track of your work performances based on a prescripted algorithm, right?  Instead, more often, the tipping point would normally favor someone WHO is HUMBLE NOT in a laidback stance.  HOW can you go up the corporate ladder if you remain as meek as a lamb???

True, I buy back that motto 'WORK HARD, STAY HUMBLE' BUT WHAT IF you have a colleague eyeing for a juicy plum job promotion WHICH you yourself is angling as well?  WHAT IF he is that aggressive and highly profiled person WHO DOESN'T let a minute past without showing off his wares, impressing the key people around.  WHEREAS you yourself?  Probably you are seated in one corner of the room, so timid, so meek and existing in an eerie silence.  DO we think the latter will be the top fav for job promotion???

YES, studies show that there are multiple problems with HUMILITY itself.  And I'll barely scratch the surface here by starting off with the fact that in life, it is necessary for us to think about ourselves, at least sometimes.  HUMILITY is NOT the same thing as NOT thinking about yourself.  And in the labyrinth of words, pitifully, HUMILITY is sometimes mixed up with HUMILIATION.  NO sirrrrrrrs, those 2 words are worlds apart.  Blame it on semantics!!!

Our takeaway:  So, if HUMILITY is NOT the same thing as NOT thinking about yourself, OR humilation OR inaccessibility to objective truth, WHAT IS IT?  So, I'd like to suggest that humility is a proper assessment of oneself  BUT this definition does create its own difficulty as some of us have grown up viewing ourselves as 'PRETTY GOOD', tending to underemphasize our shortfalls in life.  BUT think about it, HUMILITY should never be treated as either just BLACK or WHITE😌😌😌